Benussi Blog

“Loneliness,” sang Bryan Ferry, “is a crowded room, full of open hearts turned to stone.”

Being recently separated or divorced can be a very difficult time – ironically, made even harder by kindly-meant invitations to social gatherings. Being on your own at high-spirited events can be far more isolating and depressing than being at home alone.

But many of those who have been through divorce and separation say that, certainly in the early days of being single again, they felt obliged to accept every invitation that came their way, regardless of whether they wanted to go along.

There’s a feeling, if you’re newly on your own, that you ought to get out and about; that you should make an effort to find new friends, take up new interests and start “living” again.

That’s fine if it’s what you feel like doing, but often people prefer to shut themselves away, to take stock quietly and recharge their batteries in their own space and time.

From my many years’ experience as a divorce lawyer, I would say this: divorce is one of those times in life when it’s not just okay to be selfish – it’s a “must”!

If you have dependent children who need looking after, then of course you have to put their requirements first, but if there’s only you to think about, then do precisely that!

If may be the first time in your adult life when this is possible. Women especially who have been married a long time may never have been able to make plans, big or small, without having to take their partner into consideration.

So instead of seeing singledom as a negative state, embrace the positive aspects – one of which is being able to please yourself.

That means turning down invitations you don’t fancy, going to bed when you want, sitting in the garden on a sunny afternoon, regardless of the jobs around the house that need doing, and impulsively booking a concert ticket or holiday.

Doing just as you please might appear selfish or hedonistic, but anyone who’s been through an emotionally tough experience deserves plenty of “me” time. Not only does a bit of self-indulgence make you feel happier and better about yourself, it can speed up the healing process by helping you work out what it is you want to do with the rest of your life.

It also gives you time to grieve for the relationship you have left behind: throwing yourself into a social whirl before you’re ready can serve to put your grief “on hold” rather than obliterating it.

Indulging yourself doesn’t mean you have to become lazy or inconsiderate – it simply means that the time has come to think about Number One. For those who haven’t been able to do that for years, if not decades, it is well-deserved.