Benussi Blog

The breakdown of a long-term relationship is usually a miserable time. The collapse of a marriage can make you feel sad, resentful, lonely and under-confident.

Many people blame themselves for what has happened. If only they’d been more loving/less of a nag, the relationship wouldn’t have foundered.

As a result, it’s easy to become mired in feelings of self-reproach.

Conversely, some people pour all their energy into blaming their ex for the demise of the marriage.

But a new survey underlines what we at Benussi & Co always stress to our clients – that being kind to yourself is the best way to recover from divorce and separation.

The research, carried out at the University of Arizona, showed that self-compassion helps people survive a break-up without bitterness and allows them to get back on their feet more quickly.

The study found that recent divorcees who gave themselves plenty of TLC recovered faster from their heartache and were doing better up to nine months later.

American psychologist Dr David Sbarra, who led the research, was quoted as saying that self-compassion “can promote resilience and positive outcomes in the face of divorce”.

Understanding your loss as part of a bigger human experience helps lessen feelings of isolation, he added.

When life goes awry for someone, they’re often told by concerned friends and family to “take care of yourself” – and that is exactly what you need to do if your marriage has ended.

Feeling guilty, ashamed or angry will only add to the already-negative emotions you’re likely to be experiencing. Blaming yourself or your ex is counter-productive, because it stops you moving forward with your life.

There is no harm in thinking about why the marriage failed and identifying things you and your ex might have done differently, but it’s important to do this in a positive way – so that you learn from your (or their) mistakes for the future.

Mentally beating yourself up over what happened will make you self-pitying and increase your feelings of unworthiness, isolation and under-confidence. And that’s no way to start a new chapter in your life.

So if your relationship has just come to an end, make sure you shower yourself with compassion, understanding and kindness.