January 4, 2012
By Sue Leach
My husband and I have just spent our first Christmas together as husband and wife and have survived (and enjoyed!) just over two months of marriage.
Although I always wanted to find and marry my soul-mate, I am only too aware of the pitfalls – after all, I deal with other people’s divorces and family breakdowns on a day-to-day basis. I see first hand the emotional and financial distress they cause.
Prior to our wedding, we attended a marriage preparation course at our local church, which we both found helpful. This prompted discussions about what each party wanted from marriage, the importance of good communication and how you would deal with scenarios such as interfering in-laws, priorities on receiving a significant lottery win or in dealing with step-children.
My husband and I have discussed and drawn up the following survival list:
Compromise
This is not something that comes naturally to me after living on my own for 13 years and managing my own life! We had to agree arrangements for Christmas, which meant split loyalties.
I have always spent Christmas Day with my sister, her family and my parents. It was a big deal for me not to see my nephew and niece open their presents on Christmas Day, but my husband’s mum lives on her own and it was right that we spent Christmas Day with her.
Communication
The difficulties in communicating and reaching decisions are constant complaints by clients at work.
I am impatient and make decisions quickly whereas my husband looks at every possible angle before reaching a conclusion. Then we have to agree a way forward! It was much more straightforward when I was making decisions just for me!
Communication is about respecting the other person’s point of view, prioritising matters and accepting that something which is not an issue for you may be an issue for your partner and needs to be dealt with. Good communication is open and honest.
The best advice I received was from a friend who said that any decision you now make must be a decision for you as a couple and not just for you. This applies equally to household chores, holiday plans, social activities, financial plans and life goals.
We have plans to travel the world together, to walk various mountains and long-distance paths and to grow our own vegetables for hearty, home-cooked meals. These are very simple pleasures which are important to us both and, therefore, joint goals.
Caring
Whilst I appreciate it is very early days, I am determined to tell my husband how much I love him every day. We have agreed never to leave for a day’s work without resolving cross words, which may fester.
To really care for someone and to put them first is very difficult in the day-to-day mundane routine. It is even more difficult if you have children who constantly demand your full attention.
Making time for your marriage is critical. If it is not nurtured, it will not grow. We want our marriage to be fulfilling and to last. So sometimes we have to agree to eat without the TV, to go out on our own just as a couple, to have special weekends away and to send that unexpected text out of the blue saying “I love you”.
If you have children, you need a date-night out together and time to do something special as a couple for birthdays and anniversaries to remember why you chose that person as your life partner.
That’s not to say that we won’t fall out along the way, but I hope that I am more aware than most of the potential problems and how to avoid them.
- Sue Leach is a solicitor with Benussi & Co
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