The
Government has pledged to take action to stem the surge in knife crime
that has claimed the lives of more than 20 teenagers in London alone
this year, including forcing youngsters caught carrying knives to visit
stabbing victims in hospital.
However
stringent the measures introduced, I doubt they will have much, if any,
effect, because they will be doing little more than putting a sticking
plaster over a gaping wound. And that gaping wound is the collapse of
traditional family life.
It
is no coincidence that the majority of teenagers who get caught up in
knife wielding gangs are, it appears, from broken homes – in particular
families where the father doesn’t play a major role.
Unless
managed well – which is entirely possible – the breakdown of marriages
and long term relationships can have a catastrophic effect on children.
I
would never urge a client to remain in a deeply unhappy or violent
marriage, but I do think far too many marriages disintegrate because
people aren’t willing to settle for a less-than-ideal existence.
Personal expectation is so high these days that at the first sign of
trouble, some couples head for the divorce courts rather than trying to
work out their problems or, simply, live with them.
Although
I believe children can suffer more if a warring couple stay together
rather than if they split up, I also believe that lots of relationships
could be managed sufficiently to allow children to be brought up by
both parents in the same house, which – statistics and research imply –
is better for children’s wellbeing.
Although
a truly happy partnership is the ideal, it is possible to live
reasonably contentedly in a far-from-perfect relationship. And if your
children are going to benefit from this arrangement, surely that’s as
good a reason as any to stick with it.
Here are some suggestions on how to stay married to Mr or Ms Not-Quite-Right:
•
If you can accept your marriage isn’t the fairytale you imagined it
would be, it is far easier to put up with the problem areas, such as
your husband spending most evenings at the pub or your wife’s failings
in the kitchen. Resigning yourself to the idea that “this is as good as
it gets” might help to curb your yearnings for something better
•
Pour your love and your energy into the kids rather than trying to
restore the magic you and your spouse once shared. Romantic love can be
fleeting; parental love is forever
•
It is possible to live together, yet alone. If you really don’t enjoy
each other’s company any more, attempt to live under the same roof
while leading largely separate lives, coming together only for family
activities
•
If you have dependent children, try to resolve your difficulties in the
short term with a view to going your separate ways when the children
have flown the nest
•
Depending on the size of your garden, erect a shed or summer house that
can be used by one partner as a bolt-hole when things get fraught
•
If your marital problems are caused by the fact you get under each
other’s feet and therefore on each other’s nerves, encourage your
spouse to take up a hobby or interest that gets them out of the house –
and you do the same (but on different days/evenings!)
•
Instead of focusing on all the things that are wrong with your
relationship, make an effort to identify shared points of interest – be
it gardening, watching old movies or DIY – and make more of them