Summer is often a time for major family events, such as weddings and graduation days, but celebrations can be marred – even ruined – if divorced or separated parents are unable to put their differences aside for the occasion.

The more recent the break-up, the more likely that emotions will run high, but even one-time couples who split up years ago may still find it difficult to play “happy families”. This is understandable, yet it is extremely important for estranged or divorced parents put on some kind of unified front for the sake of their children.

If you’re going to be in this position over the coming weeks, you really need to give some thought to the occasion in advance. Simply resolving to “go with the flow” through gritted teeth isn’t likely to be very successful.

Those of you who enjoy a civil, even amiable, relationship, with your ex-partner would be wise to have a frank discussion how both anticipate the event panning out – especially in terms of logistics. For example, will you be sitting next to each other in the university hall or church? How will it work if you take your new partners along? Are you both comfortable with having a series of cosy family photographs taken? Ideally, invite your children to join in the discussion – their preferences are just as, if not more, important than yours.

As with so many things in life, it’s the little things that can cause the biggest problems – so it really does make sense to go through every aspect of the big day to ensure embarrassment, discomfort and misunderstanding are avoided wherever possible.

If your relationship with your ex is acrimonious, it is even more crucial to plan ahead. Resist the temptation to use your child as a mediator, as this may cause them additional stress and detract from the celebration. Instead, communicate with your former partner in writing or through a disinterested third party. Underline the fact that it is your child’s day – not an opportunity to score points off one another. It’s also useful to focus on how proud you both are that your child is graduating or getting married and how keen you both are to support them, not just on the day but in their future lives. It is this that is important – not how miserable you are since your ex went off with someone else.

Remember that behaving civilly isn’t the same as playing happy families. You don’t need to engage your former spouse’s new love in deep conversation. A brief exchange of pleasantries will suffice.

Focus, too, on the fact that however difficult it’s going to be to stand alongside your ex, the occasion is just one day. You may not be able to enjoy it, but you can ensure you survive it – and survive it with honours!